


Love is a Dog from Hell

by Tarenel



Category: Grand Theft Auto V
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, abuse mention, can they just deal with their feelings, mention to in game mission, some smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-09-24 09:34:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9715592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarenel/pseuds/Tarenel
Summary: Another alternative ending to option C, Michael and Trevor really need to come to terms with what happened in North Yankton, their lingering feelings, and the future.





	1. I wear your homemade tattoos

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [When Bad People Kiss](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2295644) by [giraffeontherocks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/giraffeontherocks/pseuds/giraffeontherocks). 



> This is my first contribution to the Trikey fandom! This was a little bit of a cathartic exercise after replaying the game like three times. Heavily inspired by When bad people kiss (takes place sort of in the same world) and also the happy ending we all deserved, which I highly recommend to read because it is amazing. Hope this isn't too bad - haven't been in the writing game for years now.  
> Feel free to leave constructive criticism :) My tumblr name is the same as on here. 
> 
> Not sure how many chapters this will go on for - maybe 5 or 6?

The night had befallen on Los Santos, the shining buildings reaching into the sky, the city sounds filling every crevice of every building. A couple sharing a bed, a drug deal, a group of teenagers exiting the local mall, a hobo sleeping on cardboard, and two old men sitting next to each other at a bar. Shoulders touching. Michael took a sip of his whiskey whilst Trevor opted for some cheap beer. It all tasted the same to him anyway. He watched the droplets of water on the side of the glass whilst running his tongue over his damaged teeth. All the years of meth was starting to take a toll on his body – not that it would stop him. If you’re gonna go out, at least do it having done everything you want.  
“Uh,” started Michael “How was the movie?”  
He slid his eyes over to Trevor, his eyes falling on his tattoo with the word “Michael” peeking out under his sleeve.  
“Mikey, you know I don’t give a fuck about movies” said Trevor rolling his eyes. He looked at Michael and couldn’t help but begin smiling “It was amazing. I actually enjoyed it.”  
Michael grinned and smacked Trevor on the back. It sent tingles straight to his crotch. “I’m so glad you liked it, T. I can’t believe it – my name on that big screen”  
“not really your name” Trevor said softly and Michael just replied with a “hah” and lifted his whiskey to his mouth  
“It was better than that shit you used to make me watch. Black and white on those already shit motel TV’s” Trevor reminisced. Michael laughed. It raised the hair on the back of Trevor’s neck. “Hey those movies weren’t shit. They’re classics. Excuse me for trying to make you cultured”  
“What the fuck makes you think trailer trash would ever become cultured?”  
“I dunno, I thought maybe Canadian trash was different” Michael smirked at himself, feeling Trevor’s glare on him. He turned his head and met Trevor’s glare which instantly softened, after a moment he turned his head away from Michael.  
“Mikey, we should talk” said Trevor looking in a different direction.  
“What, you gonna break up with me T?” Michael joked. 

Trevor looked back at the water droplets, creating a small pool on the old wooden bar table. Suddenly he was aware of how rough his skin was. He rubbed his knuckles with the word “Fuck” written over them, lightly caressing his open skin, and his scars. Almost all the scars on his knuckles are somehow related to Michael. It had been more than 20 years since he met Michael Townley – De Santa – but now he had penetrated his skin even. He was under him. Inside of him. There had been nights that Trevor stayed up punching walls, sometimes even cutting himself to try let all the blood out, not so that he could die, but so that he could let Michael out of his system. Sometimes cutting his heart out seemed like the only solution. Or maybe gouging out his eyes – but those memories of Michael on top of him, panting, sweat dripping from his face onto Trevor’s chest were etched into his brain. Sometimes Trevor would look at small Polaroid’s from his time with Michael before Amanda came into the picture, showing happy days. Trevor never felt happy after Michael left. When his mom kissed him and hugged him he felt happy and at home. When Michael did the same, there was that homely feeling again. There could be no other place in space and time that was as warm and comforting and loving as being held by Michael in a single bed in a motel somewhere he didn’t know. Even those drugged hazes weren’t good enough. 

“Hey T?” Michael put his hand on Trevor’s shoulder who flinched away. He was lost in those memories again.  
“Uh yeah let’s blow this fuckhole and go somewhere else” Trevor stood up after downing the rest of the beer.  
“Uh..okay…” Michael finished his whiskey, knowing exactly what conversation would be happening. He didn’t drink enough for this. The men walked outside and Trevor took the wheel, mindlessly driving. They remained in silence. Both of them knew what was going to happen and what needed to be said. Although Trevor accepted Michael’s apology, there was an elephant in the room that came between them hanging out more frequently. Now that the big one was over they both knew that there wouldn’t be a reason to bring them together other than to be exposed to the question they both feared in silence – what now?  
Trevor stopped in front of the observatory. It was nighttime so there was no one around. A couple of cars of people who probably went hiking, or someone buying coke, but otherwise it was just them. Trevor got out and walked around to the front of the building. Michael followed silently. Eventually Trevor came to the front which provided an outlook over Los Santos. A few aircrafts littered the sky and police sirens could be heard. He took out his phone and looked at the clock. It was almost midnight. Michael stood next to him quietly, looking from the corner of his eyes at Trevor’s profile illuminated by the cellphone light.  
“Ah…you going to kill me now, Trev?” Michael joked but his face fell when he noticed Trevor staring wordlessly at the cityscape in front of them. He wondered where Amanda was – hopefully at home - and Tracey and Jimmy.  
“Michael.” Said Trevor finally. He took a deep breath and let it out through his mouth, leaning against the railing, “Do you have a cigarette?”  
Michael was taken aback. “Uh…yeah? But I thought you don’t smoke, T?” He took out his box of redwoods and handed one to Trevor  
“I used to, remember?” Trevor stuck it in his mouth and looked over to Michael who also had a cigarette dangling out his. “Got a light?”  
Michael leaned over and lit Trevor’s cigarette for him and both men stood, leaning against the railing smoking.  
“You used to smoke something else” Trevor said finally and Michael chuckled softly “Yeah. Used to smoke only Gold Marlboros.”  
“Why did you stop?”  
“I don’t know. Reminded me of older times. Didn’t feel like it was me.”  
Trevor missed that old smell. Sometime he would go out and buy a pack and smoke alone in his trailer or motel room and pretend he had just kissed Michael. He would close his eyes and imagine Michael sitting across from him, smoking shirtless and watching a movie on the TV. If he reached out he could very easily touch him. Sometimes he did and all he was met with was empty space. This smell was different. But it still felt like home, because he felt Michael’s warmth next to him. Their elbows were touching now, and Trevor could feel himself getting hard. Michael too, but tried to ignore it.  
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Trevor said after 5 minutes of silence. Their cigarettes were almost finished.  
“Tell you what?”  
“Why didn’t you just tell me you wanted out of the game?”  
Michael ran his hand over his face and flicked the cigarette off the railing, “Trevor, we both know you wouldn’t have let me go”  
“Yes I would!” Trevor gritted his teeth and crushed the cigarette “If it was you quitting or you leaving me I would have let you go!”  
“Somehow I thought you would have taken me quitting as me leaving you.”  
Michael was right. Somehow in Trevor’s mind, the crime and the love were inextricably linked. That was how he met Michael and that was the theme of their love.  
“T, I wanted to quit the game and not you. I just – I was a coward and I didn’t know how to tell you. I knew you’d take it that I was leaving you and I didn’t want to leave you”  
“No fuck you! You didn’t know shit how I would take it-“Trevor knew he was lying “And you did leave me. You ditched me just like my family did.”  
“Trev I didn’t want anything bad to happen to you. I told you to go first because, fuck, I knew Davey would shoot someone and I couldn’t live with myself if he shot you. I told you to run because I needed you to be around in the world. Even if it wasn’t where I was.”  
Trevor turned away from Michael, not knowing if he wanted to just cry or kill.  
“Michael… I loved you. I told you and you fucking left. You didn’t even try contact me.”  
“Amanda-“  
“That fucking bitch!” Trevor punched the wall “She fucked up everything!”  
“I’m the one that knocked her up, T!”  
“You could’ve gotten an abortion! You could’ve just sent her money!” He thought about Tracey and Jimmy. He loved them, no doubt, but they did fuck up his life. If only their mother died and he took her place, welcoming them home from school with sandwiches and cookies, bathing them, helping them with homework, reading them stories and carrying them to bed when they fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Then at night, he could fall asleep next to Michael and woken up to see his face. They’d be so happy.  
“T…”  
Michael reached out to touch Trevor but he flinched away, covering his face with his hands and breathing deeply.  
“I didn’t…I didn’t want to leave…”  
“But you did. You did.” Trevor’s voice broke. He could feel the blood trickle down his knuckles.  
The two men stood in silence. Trevor shaking and Michael looking at the city, not quite certain what to do. There was always that possibility of Trevor killing him. But he looked back and knew what to do. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Trevor. “T.”  
Trevor didn’t move away, but stood still. It had been so many years since Michael leaned forward and hugged him. He smelled like those cigarettes and expensive cologne. But there was also that Michael smell that I missed so much and could sometimes swore lingered on his clothes even years later. “Can’t we…Can’t we just be friends, Trevor?”  
Trevor shook his head from side to side gently. “We weren’t made to be friends, Michael.”  
He took his head out of his hands and looked at Michael. “I’ve loved you from the very start. I think I loved you before we even met.”  
Michael sighed and held Trevor closer. “We can’t”. 

Trevor shut his eyes tighter. He wished Michael suffered like he did. Maybe then he could understand the desperation that was inside of him. He felt pathetic, feeling as if he could die at this moment. At least he would die in Michael’s arms and that was the way he always wanted to die. “You-you’ll find someone if you’re looking for love, T”  
Trevor blinked out a tear. “I’m only, I’m only looking for you. Do you love her Michael?”  
“I – of course! She’s my wife and the mother of my children. I’ll always love her”  
The words stabbed Trevor’s heart. His insides began to spill on the floor at Michael’s feet. “but. Do you love her?” Trevor whispered.  
Michael looked down at the ground “We agreed we would work on it. Maybe things could be like how they were before…”  
“You mean that month before she got pregnant?”  
Michael looked up at Trevor, brow now furrowed. “Hey. We have had so many happy times.”  
Trevor burned up inside “Like us?”  
“This isn’t a fucking competition Trevor. I’m not the prize. I was never the fucking grand prize”  
“What the fuck do you think was?”  
Michael let go of Trevor and stepped back, putting his hand on the back of his head. He had started to get a headache. There weren’t enough therapy hours for this shit.  
“I – Listen – I don’t fucking know. This is too complicated Trevor I just-“  
“What is complicated about this Mikey? This is simple.” Trevor swallowed hard “I love you. I need you to exist. I want you to exist with me. I want to wake up to you and laugh with you and, I just, I just want to be fucking happy Michael. I want to make you happy”  
Michael turned around, on the edge of running again. Skipping town again. How could this happen again? He had so many torturous nights of agony thinking of what may have happened to Trevor. Did he kill himself? He couldn’t have. That’s not in his nature. But before, when he got hit by a car. When he went on a crazy bender. In all honesty, he didn’t know if he wanted to be with Amanda anymore. “I don’t deserve to be happy, Trevor”  
“Of course you do” Trevor replied almost immediately “You are one of the greatest people who have ever lived Michael Townley. If I had to tell you everything that drove me fucking crazy and everything that made my heart expand to five times its fucking size, I would be here till after the end of the world.”  
Michael chuckled bitterly and softly “This is what it means to see someone through rose coloured glasses I guess” It made a change from how Amanda spoke about him. And all he could say about Trevor was that he was a crazy psychopath cannibal. He was selfish and didn’t care about so many people. Fuck, even after so many years Trevor still thought he was the greatest human since Caesar. Michael knew Trevor would give his own life gladly if Michael asked. Trevor must’ve worked so hard to keep a wall of apathy up during their time in Los Santos, but now, all the walls and anger, just melted. “Don’t idolise me like this, T”  
“I know you’re a fucking asshole and you’re selfish and you step over anyone for what you want, but I don’t think you know what you want, and you’re just entitled and you’re always bitter. But that – that – it doesn’t change anything Michael. I’ve seen you drunk off your ass and high and vomiting on sidewalks and falling over your own two fucking feet. But what does that matter to me? I love you and when you love someone, I think, I think that all the bad things don’t fucking matter”  
Michael chewed the inside of his cheek and let out a heavy sigh. He didn’t know where he wanted to be. Maybe back in time the first time he met Trevor, so he could run far away from that Canadian who he couldn’t get enough of.  
“You’re my favourite drug.”  
Michael turned to look at Trevor, who looked like a little boy. He stared at Michael with large wet eyes, with blood drying on his knuckles. His dirty shirt hanging on him like its two sizes too big. His jeans baggy and ripped at the thigh and the edges fraying. It was far from pretty women with porcelain skin, perfect makeup, and slender bodies in red skin-tight dresses. They didn’t smell like piss, which he must say he preferred most of the times, but Trevor’s smell just grabbed him by the collar and pulled him in. He stepped forward and as he did, so did Trevor. Their mouths collided silently, the cityscape remaining as it was, praying to the sky.

*

After Michael left Ludendorff and started his new life, he swore he would never find himself in a hotel again having sex with someone who wasn’t Amanda. Of course it didn’t quite work out that way since he did pick up hookers and strippers from time to time. But he definitely thought it wouldn’t be with Trevor. They had driven to the Richman hotel and gotten a cosy room. The receptionist seemed a bit confused at the suited man with the one who had blood stains on his shirt and jeans, but nevertheless helped them book a double room. As they entered, Michael felt like he needed to leave. He and Amanda promised not to cheat on each other anymore. But as the door closed behind him, Trevor was already on his knees undoing Michael’s belt. “Trevor – maybe this isn’t – “  
“I knew you’d want to chicken out Mikey,” Trevor grinned up at Michael “But just go with it.”  
He pulled Michael’s suit pants down and was met with his hard cock. It looked a little more wrinkled and older since he saw it 10 years ago. He tried not to think about the countless strippers and hookers it had been inside as he took it inside his mouth, savoring the taste he chased after. He would give men at truck stops, bar bathrooms, and young male hookers in motels blowjobs in an attempt to find Michael’s taste but he never could. Now it filled his mouth and he hungrily sucked on it, feeling the spit gather at the corners of his mouth. Michael let out a small groan, putting his hand on Trevor’s head. “Ah, Fuck T-“  
Trevor lifted his hand and began to pump Michaels cock in tandem with his movements, whilst sometimes stopping and caressing his balls. The spit mixed with pre-cum made Michael’s cock slick and shiny. Some of his own spit began to dribble down Trevor’s neck and chin, his knees beginning to ache. His own cock was straining against his jeans and every time he shifted the friction would shoot a pleasure up his spine. Michael’s legs began to shake. “Ah you’re such an old fucking man” Trevor smiled up at Michael who had already begun to look flushed, with a light pink spreading across his cheeks. “Let’s get onto the bed” Michael whispered in a low voice, kicking off his shoes and pants as Trevor stood up. Like a kid, Trevor jumped onto the puffy white bed, bouncing up as he hit the mattress “woahh, you’re really treating me like a princess tonight sugar tits” Trevor lay on his side, supporting his head with his hand and his other hand on his hip. Michael rolled his eyes and knelt on the bed, leaning down and kissing Trevor opened mouthed, his tongue plunging deep into Trevor’s mouth to the back of this throat. Trevor rolled onto his back with Michael on top of him and wrapped his arms around his neck. He forced his tongue back and into Michael’s mouth and licked the inside of his cheeks, his teeth, his tongue, breathing in Michael’s breath. It felt invigorating to absorb Michael’s breath. Part of him wanted to consume Michael, in a literal cannibalistic sense, or to drink his blood so that he couldn’t leave him. Where before he would constantly try cut Michael out, he wanted to let more in. Michael began to shift Trevor’s pants off, pulling the loose pants to his knees, where Trevor took over and wriggled them off as well as his shoes. His heavy boots fell with a thud but it didn’t make a sound in Trevor’s mind. All he could hear was Michael moaning softly and breathing heavily into his mouth. Michael’s naked cock rubbing against Trevor’s underwear. The spit and cum had already started to dry but enough was left for a little bit of friction. Trevor ripped Michael’s shirt open, with the buttons raining onto the floor. “Hey! That was $500!” Michael shouted but Trevor replied mockingly “hey! That was $500!” Michael bent down again, biting Trevor’s bottom lip. “Ohhhh, are we gonna be rough Mikey? I thought maybe your ass virginity grew back”  
“How the fuck-“  
Trevor rolled over on top of Michael and pinned him down, smiling sadistically at the man he was straddling. He leaned down and bit Michael on the neck, with Michael yelping out. “Fuck T! Be gentle!”  
“That’s no fun Mikey…”  
Trevor licked against Michael’s neck, kissing it and sucking on it until he pulled away and saw a pretty purple blotch. He hoped Amanda would see it and know it came from Trevor fucking Philips. He kissed his way down to Michael’s chest, licking his nipple and squeezing the other with his fingers. He sucked on the nipple as Michael left out soft moans. Michael definitely didn’t think he was a man to enjoy this – but it is where Trevor got his nickname for him from. When they would do this when they were young, Michael would ask Trevor if it tasted good or something. Trevor rubbed his straining cock against Michael’s leg which he was straddling. When it felt like he was going to explode he rolled onto his back next to Michael. 

“Fuck me Mikey” He grinned and Michael smirked. “With Pleasure, T”.  
Michael pulled off Trevor’s underwear and opened his legs wide, Trevor’s prick hitting against his stomach. “So uh, condom?” asked Michael but Trevor rolled his eyes  
“Not tonight. I want you to fuck me raw” Trevor licked his lips “Maybe get me pregnant”  
“Shut up” Michael hissed and Trevor chuckled.  
Michael spat into his hand, shuddering at the thought that he was actually resembling Trevor a little, and began rubbing his own dick. Trevor was biting his bottom lip whilst watching Michael rub himself. When it was slick enough again with his cum and spit, Michael tilted his pelvis down and slowly pressed himself against Trevor’s opening. It felt warm and inviting, and he could feel it to the top of his head that Trevor wanted him and missed him so much. He wondered if Trevor ever touched himself thinking of Michael. As he eased in, both men let out grunts and moans. Even though Michael only fucked women, this was something that always turned him on. Hearing Trevor moan as he pushed himself inside. Trevor reached to Michaels back and dug his nails in his skin. He could feel his ass expanding as Michael squeezed his way deeper, his thick wet dick pushing against his insides. A fire burned in the pit of his belly, with chills flying up and down his spine. Michael began to move in and out, with it somehow becoming wetter and slicker. Trevor’s dick smacked between their stomachs and he eventually grabbed it and rubbed the tip. Michael then replaced Trevor’s hand with his own and began massaging the tip then jerking him off with his wet hand. Trevor closed his eyes as Michael bent down and kissed him, pressing his tongue inside. With his holes filled with Michael, Trevor was ready to come. He moaned into Michael’s mouth and let out his load before Michael. Feeling the hot sticky substance on his belly, Michael laughed. “You call me an old man?”  
Trevor grunted and looked away. He felt slightly embarrassed for coming first but from the flush on Michael’s face, neck and chest, he could tell that he was close as well. Michael pushed Trevor’s legs back and hooked them over his shoulders, moving faster in and out of Trevor. Their skins made a slapping sound as Michael’s balls hit against Trevor’s ass. Trevor began to wriggle again underneath Michael, feeling the build up again “Ah Mikey, I think, I might, again-“  
“Shut up T” Michael grunted whilst increasing his speed again. He was burning up from a place deep inside of him and breathed heavily with his mouth open, closing his eyes as he was listening to Trevor pant beneath him. Then finally, he let go and unleashed 10 years of lust and want into Trevor, who gasped when Michael pulled out quickly. The cum dripped out of Trevor’s ass, staining the previously snow white bed. Michael fell down next to Trevor and chuckled, running his hands over his face. “I love you Mikey” Trevor panted out, looking over at Michael.  
Michael’s eyes rested on Trevor’s twitching lower stomach then moved up to meet his gaze. He smiled. “I love you too, Trev”  
They looked at each other for a moment before leaning into each other and firmly placing their lips together. It wasn’t a passionate, aching, grabbing kiss. But soft, content, confident, and full of love. Their pinkies touched and wrapped around each other as they pulled apart and closed their eyes. Sometime after, they both fell asleep, holding hands.  
*  
When his phone rings, Michael rolls over to his side. He opens his eyes and sees Trevor’s sleeping face next to him. He is momentarily surprised but then remembers the previous night. They actually hadn’t really solved the issue they were facing but still, somehow this was a cathartic. He looked around for his phone and realises it is still in his pants on the floor by the door. When he gets to it, he sees its Amanda calling. It was still dark outside so she must be wondering if he is coming home at all.  
“Hi honey” he says as he answers  
“Michael” Says Amanda. He can hear some anger in her voice “Michael come outside”  
“Uh…what?”  
“I know you’re in the Richman.” She says. He freezes, looking back at Trevor sleeping soundly.  
“Al-Alright” he says and hangs up. He puts on his pants and his vest, since his shirt is lying torn on the floor, and goes downstairs, aware of how suspicious it looks.  
As he exits the hotel he sees Amanda leaning against her car with her arms folded. “Hey baby” says Michael as if nothing is wrong  
“What are you doing here?” She asks sternly. He rubs the back of his neck and chuckles “Ah you know, I went out drinking with Trevor and we got drunk so we just decided to get a hotel-“  
“A hotel two blocks from your house?”  
“Uh…” Michael bites his lower lip “I know you wouldn’t want Trevor in the house, so, so I thought we may as well grab a hotel”  
“A four star hotel?” her brow is furrowed. Michael laughs uncomfortably “baby, it’s just Trevor, if you want to come upstairs you’ll see he is sleeping right now. I’m not with a hooker-“  
“Michael” Amanda swallows “You have a hickey on your neck.”  
Michaels hand immediately flies to where Trevor sucked on his neck ‘for fucks sake Trevor…’ he thinks  
“Baby I’m really – I’m not cheat-“  
“I know about you and Trevor, Michael” Amanda looks at the floor. She sort of sounds like she wants to cry. Michael freezes and looks at the ground too. He doesn’t know what to say to her. They stand in silence for what seems like years when Amanda finally clears her throat and says “Listen. I was just driving back from Lisa’s house when I saw your car pull into the hotel lot. I saw you and Trevor get out. But…I-I think we should talk at home Michael”  
“I’ll come right now-“  
“No.” Amanda puts her hand up and looks directly at Michael. She looks sad. She turns around and gets into her car as she starts the engine she turns back to Michael “Come home in the morning. I need some time alone, Michael”  
And with that she drives off, leaving two red circles in the night behind her. Michael feels the cool breeze, signalling the oncoming winter. It would never be as cold as North Yankton but a chill still runs down his spine as he stands in the cold night air. When he turns to the room Trevor is still sleeping without a sound. Michael sits on the edge of the bed and puts his head in his hands and sighs. He knows he fucked up. But how does Amanda know about him and Trevor? Has she known for the past 20 years? Sometimes he forgets that Amanda also loves him, even if she doesn’t act like it. But now he is stuck. Michael doesn’t quite know what to do. He doesn’t want to be like his dad and fuck up his family – although it was probably too late for that – but he was also his own person and he wanted Trevor. He didn’t say it, but he wanted Trevor from the moment he saw him. And when Amanda got pregnant, he thought it would be the end of them. When Trevor didn’t leave, he couldn’t be happy enough but he knew one of them would have to leave the other at some point. He never wanted to hurt Trevor nor Amanda. It’s as if no matter what he did, he would always end up hurting someone. No matter if he tried to avoid it. When Michael looked up, the night was beginning to lift. He looked back at Trevor’s sleeping face and kissed him on the cheek before gathering up his left over items and wandering back to his car.


	2. All over my skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos so far! It spurs my procrastination.  
> Spoiler Alert in regards to later chapters in When Bad People kiss...but who knows what the spoiler is? (People who read it, I guess)

When Trevor wakes up the sun is hitting him directly in the face and he rolls with his back to the window, irritated, rubbing his eyes. He sits up drowsily and notices the empty bed. He picks up his phone and checks the time – 1pm. He slept till past noon. Trevor wonders what Michael is going when he calls out for him. “Sugar Tits what the fuck are you doing?”  
No answer.  
Panic begins to whell up in him as he scrambles to his feet and pushes open the bathroom door to check if Michael was inside. He rushes to the window and looks for Michael’s car. It isn’t there. Trevor sinks down to the floor. Did Michael leave him again? Maybe he had to go home or Amanda would be really suspicious… He grabs his head before those bad thoughts come back telling him he chased Michael away and would never see him again. He slowly gets to his feet and after getting dressed goes downstairs. When he approaches the receptionist, she looks at him with caution and smiles fakely. “Hi there, miss” he says through gritted teeth “Could you, uh, tell me, did you see an older guy with a suit leave here early today?”  
“You’re going to have to be more specific” she says politely and Trevor sighs  
“Did Michael de Santa check out? Did he leave a note?”  
“Oh” says the woman before turning to her computer “He checked out early this morning, before sunrise. Paid the bill. He didn’t leave any messages unfortunately.”  
Trevor nods his head, slightly disappointed and greets her before walking out. Michaels smell still lingered on his clothes. With millions in his bank account, he felt lost and as if he had nowhere to go. Returning to his trailer seemed to be the next logical step, but instead he pulled out his phone dialing a number.  
“T, sup dog?” Said the friendly voice on the other end  
“Frank, hey” said Trevor, sounding a bit deflated and not his loud confident self “Could you pick me up from the Richman?”  
“You okay T?”  
“Yeah. I’m okay” Trevor said rather unconvincingly “I’ll be there in like 10 minutes dog, just hold up okay”  
Trevor sat down on the sidewalk outside the hotel and watched the people walking through the streets. Each of them had someone they love or something they were going through. But somehow he felt alone, like how he felt when he couldn’t contact Michael after the incident. He tried to call Michael but knew he wouldn’t get through, and he was right. The call automatically went to voicemail and he sighed. Putting his head in his hands he felt tears well up, feeling that familiar sting of loneliness and abandonment. This happened with his mom, Michael, his brother, Michael, Patricia, Michael. They all left him. Then he had to get back up and help himself along the way – he hadn’t done a bad job either, he reminded himself, as he started up a successful company and was a millionaire. He had Ron and Wade who still wanted to hang out with him. And now he had Franklin come by. By the time Franklin pulled up next to him he felt a little better, but as if he was recovering from a car accident. Still numb and raw. As he got into the car he heard a familiar sound from behind him “Crazy man!” Lamar smacked him on the back. “Sorry Trevor, Lamar was over when you called, hope it’s okay”  
“The more the merrier!” Trevor exclaimed, sounding closer to his usual self “Let’s hit the town boys! You up for some drugs?”  
“Woah, woah crazy man, you sure drugs are good for you?” Lamar asked from the backseat “I mean, some grass sounds sort of good right about now. Frank, hook us up with your shop!”  
Franklin rolled his eyes as he began driving towards Vespucci “Yeah fine some grass sounds good, but I don’t know where you can find anything harder T”  
“Frankie my boy, don’t worry! This is Los Santos, I can get anything my little heart desires” Trevor laughed as they raced toward the sun, trying to put Michael to the very back of his mind.  
*  
“Crazyyyyy man, where is, you know, the creeper? The old dude?” Lamar was relaxing against the seat in the strip club, watching girls go by. Franklin was off in a back room whilst Trevor and Lamar waited in front. Trevor was lying on his side, watching the colours melt into each other. He wasn’t sure what he took, whether it was one or ten drugs, or the amounts, but fuck he felt good. He felt warm and loved, the seat hugging him gently and pretty birds and butterflies danced for him. “Who? Oh that fuck Michael” Trevor giggled and Lamar gave him a sideeye. “Yeah, Michael.”  
“I don’t know. Maybe shedding his skin like the reptilian he is….but he probably went back to his…wife” Trevor snarled out the last word and began hacking out phlegm. “You sound bitter as fuck” Lamar slurred, having taken something too.  
“Yeah well, we fucked last night, then I wake up and whoosh! He’s gone like the fucking snack magician he is”  
“The fuck is a snake magician?”  
“It’s Michael. He always fucking leaves me”  
Lamar stays quiet for a moment and then brings a joint to his mouth “Just cause he went home doesn’t mean he’s left you, dude”  
“Of course it does” Trevor scowls “But fuck I don’t even know if he went home. He’s just gone. He switched off his phone”  
“That motherfucker” Lamar shakes his head and Franklin finally emerges from behind a curtain, winking at the girl who blows him a kiss as she follows him out.  
“Man, these girls are top tier T” says Frank “and we get the full VIP service, fuck yeah”  
Franklin sits down next to Lamar and takes the joint “What the fuck is with this mood?” he asks after Lamar and Trevor sit in silence.  
“Crazy man and creeper man fucked and now creeper ghosted” says Lamar, his eyes fixed on a plant in the corner.  
“Wait what?” Franklin chokes on the smoke as he blows it out and looks over at Trevor who is staring at something that isn’t in this dimension. “You…you and Michael fucked?”  
“Yeah” Trevor says sleepily “last night. Ain’t new though”  
“Man. I knew there was something there. Just didn’t think it would happen since Michael is married”  
Trevor lifts himself up and sits back against the booth chair. “Yeah well, didn’t stop him with hookers”  
The trio sit in silence for a while before Franklin smacks Trevor on the back “Sorry about that T. You sure he isn’t home?”  
“Fuck that I don’t know. He’s probably in Peru or some shit. He likes to fuck off when shit is going well for him”  
“Is Amanda home?”  
“I don’t know. I don’t care”  
“Sound like you do care, homie” Lamar quips and Trevor waves his hand around  
“Man I’m too fucking high for this bullshit” Trevor motions to get up but Franklin grabs his arm and pulls him back down  
“T, you know man, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what happened between you and M all those years ago but,” he looks at Lamar then back at Trevor “It has always been obvious that you have feelings for him. And he has feelings for you.”  
Trevor looks at Franklin and laughs “Does that motherfucker even have emotions besides bitter and horny?”  
Lamar laughs but then stops when Franklin shoots him a look. “Y’all are like an old married couple. You are tired of each other’s bullshit but, like, shit dog y’all still look in love as fuck”  
Lamar nods his head in agreement with Franklin, “shit I actually was surprised when I heard Michael is married”  
Trevor looks down at the ground and sighs “I don’t know what to do, Frank. L-dog”  
“What the fuck is L-dog-“Lamar begins but Frank cuts him off “Go see him dog. I’m sure there is a reason for all this shit. M is a calculated dude. He doesn’t just do shit without thinking”  
Trevor scoffs and gets up but smiles at Lamar and Franklin “I’ll go to his house. But first I need to come down”  
“Ayt dog. Let me know how shit goes”  
Trevor waves his hand and disappears through the curtains to the back.  
Lamar and Franklin sit in silence, passing the joint back and forth and looking at the dancers who pass them by. “What the fuck do you think is happening?” Lamar finally asks and Franklin shrugs  
“I don’t know man. Fuck these old dudes got some shit to work out is all I know”  
Lamar nods in agreement as Franklin takes out his phone and dials a number.  
“Michael? Dude its Franklin” 

*  
When Trevor woke up, it was more than 24 hours later. The comedown hit him hard and he spent most of the time shivering and wrapped in a small blanket with holes and stains of who knows what. He remembers being chased by demons and trying to reach his mother who was always at arm’s reach but he could never reach her. He rubbed his aching head and groaned. This was why he didn’t go outside realm of meth and speed. The comedown of those two didn’t leave him feeling like shit and as if he hadn’t bathed in centuries – which was something mighty for Trevor. His mind was subtly aching with thoughts of Michael – but he was a pro at this point of repressing thoughts of him. He eased himself onto his feet, catching a smell of Michael still lingering. Trevor made his way to the bathroom and took a shower before getting in his car and starting his drive to Michael’s house from the strip club.  
When Trevor pulled up to Michaels house and drive through the gate all he noticed was the red convertible parked in front of the house. Michael’s car seemed to be missing. The front door was unlocked when he pushed it open and was met with silence. He wasn’t sure if he should call out for Michael, but silently feared he would hear moans from upstairs and be reminded that Michael was married and would likely be staying with his wife, and tell him that night would be a mistake. “Trevor?” he heard from the lounge and looked over to see Amanda, dressed in pajamas with messy hair and looking…tired. The bags under her eyes told him that she spent the night, or few nights, crying and staying up.  
“Oh. Amanda.” He grunted and awkwardly looked around “Michael home?”  
“I thought he was with you”  
Trevor froze. Does this mean that Michael didn’t come home after their night together? Amanda chuckled bitterly “Thought he ran off with you”  
Trevor glared at her and loosened the spit in his throat with a grunt “The fuck makes you think that?”  
She rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall “Since you two went to the Richman together. He doesn’t even take his hookers there, nevermind me.”  
Trevor shifted on his feet, looking at the floor then back at Amanda who had a weird twisted smile on her face. She looked as pale as that day he killed his brother in their house.  
“I, uh, fuck, I guess you saw us” For some reason, Trevor felt a little guilty. Mostly excited though.  
“Don’t pretend like you feel bad” she clicked her tongue at him. If there was one person in this world who didn’t fear what the fuck she said to Trevor, it was Amanda. Sometimes she reminded him of his mother, just saying whatever she wanted and knowing somehow that he wouldn’t touch her. It irritated him that she knew that and he knew it, but he couldn’t bring himself to hit her or kill her – even though he wanted nothing more. “Whatever cupcake, have you heard from him?”  
“Nope.” Amanda shrugged and turned her back to Trevor, walking over to pick up a glass of wine that rested on the side table. She was watching some rerun of Steve Haines on TV. The house was quiet and Trevor assumed neither Trace nor Jimmy was home when he cleared his throat “I, uh, if Michael comes home tell him to call me”  
Amanda laughed loudly and shook her head, “What makes you think I’m going to tell my husband to call his lover?”  
“Listen it’s not-“  
“Of COURSE it is!” She threw the glass on the floor and put her head in her hands briefly before looking directly at Trevor “Even after I got pregnant, Michael went back to you. Only when I threatened to take Tracey and Jimmy away did he stay with me. He didn’t even give a fuck when I had an affair and you were around because he knew he could just run back to you,” she was breathing heavily “you’re a fucking psychopath. You killed your own brother in MY house! You attacked Michael’s family in front of our children. I don’t even want to know how many deaths and general chaos you’re responsible for!” Trevor’s mind instantly went to the twins he killed. He corrupted them and led them directly to their own deaths. He knew Amanda was right – he was a monster – but he knew he would never be able to cleanse the sin from him. He accepted it. He would forever be the scum of the Earth everyone spoke about, but fuck them if they ever told him he wasn’t authentic. She laughed again and Trevor uncomfortably scratched his arm. Her eyes rested on his tattoo “Why did you do this to us?”  
“Do what? You’re the fucking bitch who got knocked up out of nowhere. Mike and I had a thing going when you came in all of a sudden”  
“I know Michael only stayed with me because I got pregnant you asshole” She pushed Trevor and his back hit the wall. Rage began to build up in him, and he knew he could easily snap Amanda’s neck and she would finally be out of the fucking picture. “You took him away from me!”  
“You took him from me! I had him first-“  
“Why did you somehow find us here? When we were trying to make shit work?”  
“The fuck do you mean? You two went about fucking other people and you place the blame on me? The blame is on you, sweetheart”  
“When we first got to Los Santos, Michael was so depressed. I can only imagine it was because he didn’t have his fuckbuddy”  
Trevor bit his tongue, trying not to tell Amanda how Michael fucked hookers in almost every town they went to in addition to him “The thing is,” she bit her bottom lip “If it’s just physical then, at least, maybe he still loves me. But it wasn’t just that to him”  
Something jumped around in Trevor’s heart, hearing from someone else that Michael loved him and was sad without him. That’s all he really wanted. He just wanted to know that Michael wanted him beyond those cold nights together that didn’t dare extend to the daytime. The veil of the night was the only thing that allowed them to be together, wrapping around them and pulling them together then disintegrating when the sun rose. He wasn’t too sure what to say to Amanda, he felt happy but also in denial about it all. He wasn’t too sure what Amanda wanted from him –  
“This – I can’t – I just fucking can’t play this bullshit role anymore,” she said as tears began falling down her cheeks as she pushed Trevor again “I’m so, so fucking tired.”  
Trevor realised something. Just as much as he wanted to be loved by Michael, so did Amanda. “Amanda,” He said “I can’t, I can’t leave him because you want him. I want him too.”  
She sat down on the couch, her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking. Trevor sat down next to her and put his arm around her. Some part of him felt the need to comfort her, and before he knew it, he was also silently crying. “Are you unhappy?” She asked him finally between sobs  
“I-“, Trevor thought about it for a few minutes. “The first time I felt happy, it was when I was like 6 years old. My mom took me in her arms and hugged me after I fell on the floor. My older brother laughed at me and I cried. She kissed my elbow and told me she loves me and would protect me no matter what,” he smiled a little “the second time, I, I felt happy was when Michael and I first had sex.” He chuckled softly “I felt loved like before. It was before he met you, of course, but then I knew what it felt like to love someone, and that feeling is just,” he inhaled through his nose “I’m always just angry and full of rage. It’s hard for me to feel. I mean, that and the drugs. But when I see Michael, I get this overwhelming feeling of love.”  
By this time he didn’t notice Amanda looking at him. She furrowed her brow “Every time you see Michael?”  
Trevor nodded “You know when you’re just at home. And you can be yourself and you know the world is alright…that’s how Michael makes me feel. He makes me feel at home. Sometimes, I’d get lonely. But then, before, he would hold my hand and I’d know everything would be okay.”  
The pair stayed in silence for a while whilst Steve Haines face flashed on TV between cuts of Ganton and Chamberlain Hills. “My first boyfriend made me feel like that” Amanda finally said “When I met Michael, it was two months after he died. When he died, I thought everything ended and I’d never feel happy again.” She wiped the tears from her face “He was in a car accident, and I was next to him. I had to see him die…I guess that’s how you felt.”  
Trevor nodded subtly and bit the inside of his cheek. “I love Michael. Sometimes I don’t know if I love him because of Tracey and Jimmy, because he made me feel loved again after Aaron died, or just because I needed someone to talk to.” She breathed in and held it for a bit before letting the air out “I just wanted a normal family life”  
“You married a fucking bank robber”  
Amanda chuckled. “I know, I guess I thought once we left North Yankton and we were out of the snow and the cold and the shit trailer park then, then maybe we could be normal. I’m not too sure when that illusion stopped”  
“When you caught Michael inside a stripper, maybe” and Amanda nodded matter of factly “that sounds about right.”  
They shared a laugh. An oddly cathartic laugh. Never had they laughed or spoken so civilly to each other. “Maybe, the best way for Michael and I to move on is to just move on separately”  
Trevor swallowed. He wasn’t the best at relationship advice provided the closest thing he had to a romantic relationship was an on and off 20 year plus relationship with a sociopathic bank robber. “I, uh, I don’t really know what to say…”  
Amanda smiled “I know you’d tell me to fuck straight off so you can have him to yourself”  
Trevor shrugged in admittance. She was right. He thought of getting rid of her so many times and she probably knew. Fuck, she probably wanted to get rid of him as well for constantly intervening in their marital bliss.  
“Go find Michael.” She said finally “I need some time alone to think about what to do.”  
Trevor nodded “At least Jimmy and Tracey are adults”  
“Like they’ll ever be adults” she rolled her eyes at him “Trevor. Do you think Michael loved me?” she finally asked.  
He scratched the back of his neck and dropped his gaze “Yeah. I do think he did. I think he does.”  
“But he loves you too.” She said and he shrugged again “I don’t know about that…”  
“The only reason he left North Yankton was because I made him choose between his kids and you. And he chose his kids. He didn’t choose me over you, Trevor.”  
Trevor looked up and met Amanda’s gaze. She really looked sad but, somehow, something inside of her seemed determined and strong. “So many times he spoke of you when he was drunk, and I’d just block my ears.”  
Trevor didn’t know what to say to Amanda’s statements. She was telling him all the things that he wanted to but was scared to know. Amanda took Trevor’s hand and he froze. “Trevor. I think that, everyone, even you, deserves to be happy.”  
He stayed quiet, feeling tears filling up his eyes. Amanda’s maternal side was coming out. It reminded him even more of the mother he wanted his mom to be and the emotions began flooding inside of him. He really wanted a hit of meth or speed to make these feelings stop before he had to confront them.  
“I think,” she said quietly “I deserve to be happy too”  
“You do Amanda. You do.” Trevor found himself saying and noticed a tear run down Amanda’s cheek. She smiled. Something changed inside of her.  
“This situation is fucked up.” She finally said and they laughed again together.  
She squeezed Trevor’s hand “Tell Michael I’m going to leave him.”  
Trevor smiled. 

*

When the headlights hit Michael, he raised his hands to his eyes. In the dusk, the familiar white car driving toward him seemed like a relief. He took a swig of the beer he was drinking as he leaned against the hood of his car in the desert. Franklin got out of the car and waved “Hey Mike, whats going on?”  
“Nothing much” Michael shrugged  
He looked disheveled, having not shaved for a few days, and he was still only in his vest and chinos. “Trevor is looking for you, dog” Franklin leaned next to Michael on the hood of his car. They stared at the sunset. The desert offered spectacular sunsets, with reds, yellows, oranges, pinks, blues all mixing into one. The cars driving past all kicked up dust but it didn’t seem to bother the two men. Michael didn’t say anything, but threw down his empty beer bottle and took out a cigarette. “I guessed so”  
“Why’d you bounce, homie?” Asked Franklin, watching Michael lighting his cigarette and taking a long drag before blowing out the smoke. “It’s just what I do”  
“Be an asshole”  
Michael chuckled “exactly that, Frank”  
“You know, T told us y’all fucked”  
Michael choked on his smoke and ran his hands through his thinning hair “Uh, what, you know how fucked up Trevor-“  
“You know dog, If I gotta be honest, it wasn’t that much of a surprise. Trevor really, like, adores you.”  
Michael’s heart fluttered a bit and he tried to hide his smile. He licked his lips and took another drag. He knew Frank was right – that very thought warmed him at night. Knowing someone out there adored him. “Hey. What are you scared of?” Asked Franklin, his eyes fixed on the setting sun and the clouds.  
Michael shrugged “I don’t know, man. I guess just, not living up to expectations, or some shit”  
“Your expectations?”  
“I don’t know – shit I think so”  
“Like what dude?”  
“You know,” Michael said and took a drag. Franklin looked over to him. “No dog, I don’t”  
“That TV family bullshit” Michael finally said, breathing deeply “That nuclear family. Picket fence. A dog and kids and happy wife and a 9-5 job.”  
“Sounds like your worst nightmare if I’m honest” Franklin leaned down and took a beer, opening it on the side of the car’s license plate. “It’s something my parents wanted for us I guess”  
“Yeah but, like, is it something you wanted?”  
Michael contemplated it. It wasn’t really. He had that life but he couldn’t give up the other side of his world – the one of crime and drugs and hookers and living on the road. Living on the road with Trevor. Not settling down never disturbed him. In fact, that was his initial goal but sitting in the car about to leave Amanda behind on their wedding day, the responsibility hit him. If it wasn’t for Tracey, he would’ve run as far as he could. And he would do it with Trevor by his side. But sometimes, he enjoyed waking up next to Amanda and having pancakes with Tracey and Jimmy and walking them to school. But then sticking up banks and having rough sex with Trevor in beaten motels after some coke also seemed like the ideal life. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t at least a little happy when Trevor decided to randomly show up again in his life. Driving fast motorcycles together made him feel like he was 22 again and the world was their oyster.  
“M?” asked Franklin and Michael was brought back down. His cigarette had almost finished burning and he dropped it to the floor and stamped on it.  
“Do you think it would be selfish of me to leave Amanda?” Asked Michael. “No” said Franklin almost immediately “I think it’s selfish to waste each other’s time in this world. Life goes by fast and if you don’t try hold on to the things you love, you lose it.” Franklin’s mind briefly flashed to Tanisha and her wedding. Michael took out another cigarette and lit it up whilst Franklin took out a blunt and also lit up. The sun had almost completely sunk. Bits of dark blue were beginning to rise up and meet the bright oranges and pinks.  
“You’re old, M” said Franklin and Michael glared at him “Yeah I fucking know. Thanks a lot”  
“But like. Shouldn’t you make the best out of your time? You’re constantly living life on the edge anyway,” Franklin blew out smoke “Why don’t you and Trevor just try make shit work”  
Michael sighed “I don’t know if Tracey and Jimmy would be too happy about that”  
“You’re their dad. I’m sure they just want you to be happy. Probably Amanda too. Unless you enjoy making everyone around you sad, which is sort of fucked up, homie”  
Michael chuckled “Yeah. You’re right I guess”  
“Howcome you ran away though?” Asked Franklin, passing the blunt to Michael.  
“I don’t know. I just fuck everything up when I’m around so, I might as well leave I guess. Maybe things won’t be terrible then.”  
“I think everything gets worse when you just leave” said Franklin “T got pretty fucked up on drugs the other night”  
“What, meth and speed?”  
“Nah. I don’t know what he took but shit, he was somewhere else”  
“I hope it wasn’t heroin again”  
Franklin raised his brow “T into that downer shit? I thought he was only about that upper life.”  
Michael’s thoughts went back to when Trevor had taken so much heroin he was shaking. Michael placed his jacket around his shoulders and held him tightly, praying for the first time in his life that Trevor wouldn’t die. He stayed up the night making sure Trevor didn’t choke on his own vomit, and his heart didn’t stop. All Trevor could tell him that night was how much he loved him. It scared Michael, thinking how he could have lost Trevor. All he could think about is that was how Trevor felt when Michael faked his death. He sighed. “I guess, there is only one thing to do”  
“Whats that, dog?”  
“I suppose I need to make a decision.”  
“Well, I can’t do that for you, homie, but you know if you wanna talk or some shit then I’m here for you” Franklin patted Michael on the back and smiled at him.  
“Could you do me a favour, F? Could you go to my house and tell Amanda I’ll be back soon? I just have a couple things to work out”  
Franklin, looking slightly surprised, nodded. “Sure” he said simply. The two remained standing next to each other, now gazing at the yellow moon.


	3. You put your cigarettes out on me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gyeh sorry I haven't updated in a while - had a criminal procedure test (fitting tho eh?) and my internet keeps bombing out... *pretends hasn't been playing gta v online*  
> Thank you sooooo much for kudos and comments! I've been feeling kinda shit so they make me happy <3 pictures mentioned in this chapter 100% influenced by these:  
> http://ppitte.tumblr.com/post/153688790887/my-brain-dont-you-fucking-dare-my-hand-whoops
> 
> I'll try post an update ASAP - saw some posts that said Michael doesn't love Trevor and I felt so down about it xD But to me, Trikey is always real... *weeps in corner holding framed photo of them*

Trevor’s trailer was unlocked when Michael came around. It was almost 2 in the morning when he and Franklin said goodbye and Michael made the short journey. Everything seemed to have gone back to how it was before Patricia – that is trash strewn everywhere. Michael shuddered at the dirt but glanced around the trailer. “T?” He called but there was no answer. He walked into Trevor’s bedroom and was met with the empty bed and an open box on its side. Some photographs had spilled out. Michael sighed as he picked up a photo and looked closely – these were polaroids from their younger days. Pictures of them doing silly poses in random places he forgot he has even been to, to drawings on each other’s faces whilst sleeping. There were even some photos of Lester and Brad thrown in there, with Lester shouting angrily at the camera. Michael chuckled. They were so much younger back then, with full heads of hair, better posture, more muscle. Even the photos of Brad lying in the snow smiling gave Michael a warm feeling. Then came the private photographs of him and Trevor in sexual positions. One of Michael lying under Trevor who was straddled over him, one of Trevor licking Michael’s cock, Trevor in a dress trying to pose in a sexy way, Michaels spread ass (which made him blush slightly), and then them in a passionate kiss – half smiling. He flipped it over, which had messing and smudged writing. 03/03/1988 – Liberty City. He had almost forgotten that he and Trevor made a stop over there for one night. He smiled as he put the photos back into the box. He remembered all the good times they had had together – ones with so much laughter and fun. He hardly ever had those times with Amanda. It always somehow involved the kids and family holidays. Michael put the lid back on the box and slid it under Trevor’s bed. He casually strolled outside and next door where the knocked on the door. When the door opened a couple minutes later, an older balding man opened the door with wide eyes, gripping a device of sorts with an antennae. “O-oh it’s you” he stuttered out and Michael chuckled awkwardly “Yeah hey. Just want to know where Trevor has been. Has he been home?” He pointed his thumb behind him at Trevor’s trailer. Ron glanced behind him then back at Michael “You gotta come inside otherwise they’re gonna know”  
“Uh-who?”  
Ron grabbed Michael’s arm and pulled him into his trailer, slamming the door shut behind him. The walls sporadically had tin foil stuck onto them, with the floor being littered with papers and documents. There was some sort of static radio on in the background and the house smelled stale as if it hadn’t been cleaned in a long time – still smelled better than Trevor’s trailer. “I, uh, were you sleeping? Sorry I bothered you-“Michael began but Ron shook his head violently.  
“No. No I sleep in shifts when I know they are sleeping”  
“Who, who is they?”  
Ron gestured Michael to the living room where he awkwardly took a seat and looked around. Ron had old furniture, all mismatched inside of his dark home. Faded floral prints with stains and a few rips, beige stuffing poking out. A leather arm chair that was scuffed. If it was clean and there wasn’t tinfoil, it may have looked like a normal room. Ron disappeared into another room as Michael sat in front of the foiled up TV. The static of the ham radio filled the room. Outside he occasionally heard a car drive by, a door slamming closed, people yelling, and crickets. After 30 minutes, Ron remerged and sat on a chair, holding a thick envelope. He sat on the leather chair opposite Michael after handing him the envelope wordlessly.  
“Um, what is this?” Asked Michael  
“Boss told me to give it to you” said Ron bluntly “He hasn’t been home in almost a week. I think something happened.” He sounded nervous as he said it, getting up even to crack the curtain open a little bit and look outside. Michael fingered the opening of the envelope as Ron paced around. “Can I open it?” He asked, making Ron jump.  
“Yes! It might have instructions in it on what to do next” Ron anxiously gestured to the envelope and sat down again.  
Michael opened the envelope which contained nothing more than a few sheets of paper. Ron’s eyes widened and he fidgeted nervously.  
“Fuck can you just give me a minute? You’re making me anxious” Michael barked. This made Ron get up and quickly shuffle to another room where the static on the radio stopped.  
Michael unfolded the yellowing paper, on it was messy handwriting, with the date 9 October 2002 written on it. 

_‘Michael,_  
I don’t really know why I am writing this to you. You’re sleeping next to me right now actually. We are back in North Yankton and tomorrow you’re going to go home and spend time with Amanda and the kids. I can’t believe how old Trace is getting. It’s like yesterday she was born. I guess we are getting old, eh? But anyway, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell you in person so that’s why I’m writing it. I want to get it off my chest. When I couldn’t get my wings, I thought the world was over and there was nothing else for me besides being in the skies. When that was taken away from me, fuck, I was so angry and I had so much rage. But then, a little while later, I met you. This sounds like a shit movie line, but everything seemed like it would be okay. I don’t think I could ever tell you how much you mean to me and how much I actually love you. Not like a brother. You mean so much more than that to me. I mean – I sort of want to always be by your side and rob places and fuck shit up. So to speak. Anyway, I’m writing this so if I’m dead, you can know that. I’m sorry if I’ve caused a lot of unnecessary shit in your life but I want you to know that even for a little while you made me happy. And that’s more than I thought I would ever get in this life. More than I would ever deserve. I don’t know what I did that you found me and hung onto me. We probably aren’t meant to be together but a part of me, a huge part, wishes we were. I’m sorry I don’t want to lose you now or ever. You know I would gladly die for you, I’ve told you. Sometimes it feels like torture to think about the shit you told me when you were high. I want to believe it Mikey, I really fucking do, but I don’t know why I don’t. Maybe Amanda. Or the kids. I like to forget about them when we are together, like now, and then I don’t feel so much like I’m a bad guy. I don’t want to be a bad guy. I don’t want to hate myself either. But I do. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t born and my mom carried me inside of her forever. But for all the shit in my childhood and those nights where I can’t even look at myself – there is you. And that is enough.  
I love you Michael. I hope we can stay like this always. But if we can’t, please just be happy. That’s the only thing I ever wanted for you.  
Trevor. ‘ 

Michael breathed deeply and folded the letter carefully, placing it back in the envelope and into his pocket. He ran his hand over his face and leaned back into the couch. Soon he fell asleep, trying not to feel too much. When he woke up it was the morning, and there was yelling.  
He immediately jumped to his feet when he heard the other voice. One was definitely Ron, screaming for Trevor, and the other was Trevor yelling something.  
He ran to the door and slammed through it, seeing Ron attempting to grab Trevor, who pushed him to the ground. Trevor ran to the middle of the road, knocked a guy off his bike, got onto it and began pedalling.  
“Trevor!” Michael yelled after him, but he didn’t stop. He ran to his car and immediately drove after him. When he was next to Trevor he winded down his window. “Trevor! What the fuck are you doing?!” he yelled over the car’s engine.  
Trevor didn’t seem to pay notice to Michael, looking straight ahead of him, breathing heavily and loudly, his eyes wide.  
“Trevor” Michael yelled again and hooted. This seemed to get Trevor’s attention who looked over to Michael  
“T, stop, get in the car!”  
“No Mikey!” Trevor yelled, pedalling faster. However Michael just pressed a little harder on the pedal and kept in speed with Trevor.  
“Trevor get in the car! You’re going to pass out!”  
“Fuck off Michael” Trevor yelled through gritted teeth  
“What happened?!”  
“My-my mom-“Trevor began but swallowed hard before Michael noticed tears running down his face.  
“Your mom? Is she out?!” Michael tried to keep his eyes on the dusty worn out road whilst also looking over to Trevor.  
“She-she was right,” Trevor began “I am just a shit human being”  
“No, T, T come on please stop, let’s talk about this-“Michael began but Trevor shook his head furiously  
Trevor attempted to go faster, but his breathing was increasing as well. He started to wobble, before falling to the ground, skidding along it. Michael stopped and jumped out, running to Trevor’s side, who was trying to get up, but his elbows and knees were grazed and his jeans torn. All of a sudden he began weeping. Michael knelt down on the ground, put his arms around him and pulled him close. “T, baby, what’s going on?” he asked, pressing his lips to Trevor’s head. Trevor put his hands over his face and shook silently. They remained quiet in the blazing sun of the desert, with Michael holding Trevor close. “Hey, I’m here T. Nothing is gonna happen to you while I’m here”  
This seemed to only make matters worse as Trevor began to audibly sob. Michael began to rub Trevor’s back whilst prying his hands from his face with the other. Trevor avoided eye contact and looked at the floor whilst Michael gazed down at him. “Hey,” he said in a whisper now “you’re going to be okay” he pressed his lips to Trevor’s cheek, wiping the tears away. After a while Trevor stopped crying and began getting up. Michael helped him to the car then got in to the driver’s seat. “What happened, T” asked Michael as he pulled away.  
“My mom was here,” Trevor said, barely audible. “She wants me to get a van of drugs for her”  
“Uh…” Michael looked at Trevor then back at the road “What, um, what kind of drugs?”  
“Deludamol”  
Michael chewed on his bottom lip for a while, before sighing. “T...” he said. Trevor looked at Michael, whilst Michael glanced over. His pupils were the size of planets, almost consuming the entirety of his eyes. He was mildly shaking. His eyes bloodshot red. Michael sighed and placed a hand on Trevor’s hand. Even though he knew Trevor was as high as a kite, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to rationalise with him. The only thing he could do was go along with whatever Trevor wanted. “Alright,” said Michael eventually “Let’s steal a van. Lester might get a heart attack if he hears about it though” he chuckled slightly. Trevor stayed silent, staring at Michael’s hand on top of his. They sat in silence whilst driving towards Los Santos, the sun high up in the sky.  
Eventually Michael broke the silence “You know where to get a van?” He asked  
“Maybe in front of the pharmacies” said Trevor, a little more relaxed than before. The drive had taken more than an hour and in that time, Trevor sunk a bit deeper into his seat and intertwined his fingers with Michaels, a small smile appearing on his face at one point. Michael nodded “Alright”.  
They drove around Los Santos for what seemed like hours before spotting a deludamol van pull up into a parking lot. They waited till the driver got out and went inside before jumping out of the car and ripping open the doors. Michael insisted on being the driver since he knew Trevor wasn’t completely sober as of yet, but Trevor being the person who he was – that is with the sole purpose to make Michaels life hell – took the wheel. The engine roared to life as the tires screeched as they raced out of the parking lot, with Trevor howling and laughing. “Fuck yeah Mikey!” Trevor roared as they entered the highway. Michael clung onto the side of the door as Trevor dangerously swerved between the cars, at one point clipping the barrier. Trevor was lurching forward, as if he was about to fight the windscreen. His foot flat on the pedal, his eyes locked on the road in front of him. “I can’t believe my mom is here – she got out” He smiled. It made Michael a little sad – it was as if Trevor transformed into a young boy in front of him. He could see himself for a brief moment, running to hug his mom when she got back from work, only to be kicked away. “Yeah…” Was all he managed to get out. The radio played sad music from the 80s but Trevor didn’t seem to listen. When they got to Sandy Shores, Trevor rammed right through his flimsy fence, kicking up dust as he handbraked the car to a stop in front of the trailer. Before Michael knew it, Trevor was already running to his front door yelling for his mother. When he got inside, Michael heard nothing for a few moments, then wailing. Even Ron seemed to have heard it, running out of his house in his boxers, socks and sandals, holding a spatula. Michael kicked the door open, jumping to the top of Trevor’s porch and pushing the door open to see Trevor curled up on the ground. Of course only one person in the world could reduce Trevor Philips to this. Michael kneeled next to him, in the same position as earlier that day, placing Trevor’s head on his chest and rubbing his head. “It’s okay”  
“S-she’s gone” He tearfully stuttered, gripping Michael’s shirt. Michael wasn’t all that surprised. She probably was never here in the first place. But even he knew he couldn’t say that. He stayed quiet, caressing Trevor’s face and occasionally kissing his head. After what felt like an hour, Trevor pulled himself out of Michael’s grip and sat on the couch forlornly, placing his head into his hands. Michael sat next to him, cusping his hands and looking at the floor.  
“I…” Trevor lifted his head out of his hands “need drugs.”  
Michael stood with his back against the wall, his eyes going to Trevor’s pipe, lying on the table. As Trevor leaned over and prepared the meth, he looked at the ground. “Do you wanna go do something?” Michael asked suddenly, not too sure where it was coming from.  
*  
When the two old men entered the night club, out of place, the neon lights pulsated. The club was of course dark and in Los Santos style, very dodgy. Many bodies were dancing close to each other, as if invisible hands were cupping them all together onto the dance floor. The bar was even extremely busy, guys hitting on girls, the bartenders running frantically trying to serve drinks. Once they spotted an empty table after managing to get drinks, Michael slid into the booth whilst Trevor jerked his thumb in the direction of the bathroom. Michael looked around at all the impossibly young people. A guy like him should probably not be in such a place but he quickly noticed other guys his age and older, chatting up girls, their eyes focused on the big bills they would take out of their wallets. These guys were major sleezes, with their hair implants, their botox and incredibly tanned skin. One of them had sunglasses on. Michael rolled his eyes and took a sip from his whiskey. It had been so many years since he was in a club, almost never for the purposes of clubbing but just to score some drugs. Well, mainly it was Trevor who got the drugs and he got the pretty girls. He drummed his fingers against the table, casting his eyes over to the dance floor when he noticed Trevor shove his way through, eliciting dirty looks from the teenagers and 20 somethings. He grinned as he threw a white packet into Michael’s lap “One for youuuuuu,” he sat opposite Michael and pulled out a baggie of off white pills “and one for me” he said happily as he ripped open the packet. Michael picked the bag up between his forefinger and thumb as if it were a dirty piece of underwear lying on the floor. He inspected it – no doubt it was his old vice. The white powder hadn’t seemed to change in the almost 20 years he hadn’t touched it. He put the packet down on the able as Trevor threw his pills down his throat. “What? You don’t want any?” Trevor asked, grabbing the packet and dumping the contents on the table before taking out some old credit card with a foreign name embossed on. “Hey man, I haven’t done blow once since I’ve been in Los Santos” said Michael, eyeing how Trevor began preparing the cocaine into neat little lines. “C’mon Mikey” said Trevor, the neon lights falling onto his face and highlighting his menacing smile. His wrinkles seemed deeper due to the shadows and Michael noticed how the years apart really did affect Trevor. The drugs seemed to be squeezing out of his pores. His under eye circles told him how little he slept and how much he cried. When did Trevor get so – old? Of course it would be hypocritical of Michael to wonder that but he couldn’t help but feel a little sad about how easy he could notice all of the signs of aging. Trevor rolled up a note and handed it over, and subconsciously Michael took it. “Just once.” Trevor smiled at him “I know you are really into the whole responsible parenting thing, but for old time’s sake.” It didn’t take much for Trevor to convince Michael to succumb. He sighed but then leaned forward and snorted one of the lines. The cocaine was good. Michael wasn’t sure if it was good because he hadn’t done it in a while or what, but it was good. He let out a small moan of pleasure which seemed to make Trevor excited who was bouncing up and down in his seat. “YEAH MIKEY DO ANOTHER” Trevor screamed, but not loud enough to draw stares. The music was thumping in Michael’s head now. He bent over and did yet another line, instinctively pinching his nostrils as he came up and leaned back into the couch. He closed his eyes whilst trying to ignore Trevor’s shouts of excitement. 

“DADDY?”  
Michael’s eyes snapped open and as he looked over to the side he saw his daughter standing there in surprise, her eyes wide. She was dressed way too revealing for his liking, in a short little black dress, her hands on her hips.  
“Look Mikey it’s Tracey!” Said Trevor excitedly, looking back and forth between Tracey and Michael.  
“Daddy what the fuck are you doing? Is that…cocaine?” she pointed at the table  
Michael’s eyes darted to the lonely line lying on the dirty and sticky tabletop. “Tracey…” he finally managed to say before noticing a familiar face emerge behind her.  
“Frank….lin?” he asked  
Sure enough it was Franklin, his eyes looking between Trevor, Michael, and the cocaine. “Frankie!” Trevor exclaimed and somehow jumped up, throwing his arms around both Franklin and Tracey “My, my, my. What are you kids doing here?”  
“Could ask you the same thing, dog” said Franklin  
“Yeah! Like why are you in a club?!” Tracey seemed disgusted  
Well, it wouldn’t be odd for someone to be disgusted to find their dad in a club snorting cocaine. “We’re just having a little bit of fun!” Trevor laughed  
“Why are you here?” Michael asked suddenly, narrowing his eyes at Franklin standing next to his daughter. Tracey looked away and so did Franklin, briefly exchanging glances. Even Trevor seemed taken back a bit. “Daddy-“She began but Franklin cut her off  
“How are you guys, uh, doing?”  
“Fra-“Michael began but Trevor unleashed them from his grip and launched forward, wrapping his arms around Michaels neck and giving him an awkward hug. “Never better!”  
Michael tried to push Trevor off, the drugs making the room spin. He felt hot, the blood rushing to all his extremities, feeling his dick harden from Trevor’s touch but also sick from his daughter’s eyes upon her father. “T – No – “he began but Trevor planted a kiss right on his lips. Franklin grabbed Tracey’s shoulders and spun her around the second before, pointing at someone on the balcony above. “OH my God! Is that _Poppy Mitchell?!_ ” she gasped. Michael pushed Trevor off, and Trevor noticed the look of anger in his eyes. They were yelling at him what the fuck was he doing in front of Tracey. He giggled wildly. Tracey looked back at her father seemingly unaware and waved her hand at him “Ugh I can’t deal with this right now! There is a celebrity right there! I need to go talk to them” She made her way through the crown, followed by Franklin who just raised his brows at the two old men. “Mikeyyyy” Trevor sat on the edge of the table, his finger hooking behind the collar of Michael’s jacket “finish that line and let’s get a hotel.” 

This was the second time this month that Michael found himself outside of a hotel, not walking in with a stripper with a perky ass, but rather trailing behind Trevor. The receptionist looked scared as Trevor began yelling aggressively for a room. He shakily handed Trevor a key and forced a polite smile. Trevor snatched it and walked to the elevator. Michael gave a nod to the receptionist, still feeling the after effects of the cocaine. If that was something he hated about it – it were the short effects. Something like 20 minutes max and he’d find himself alone in his head again.  
This hotel wasn’t nearly as fancy as the Richman, but they fucked in dirtier places before. This was just a standard, low range hotel off of the highway – a compromise. When they entered, Michael closed the door behind him. At least Amanda wouldn’t be following them this time. Trevor sat on the edge of the bed – eliciting a loud squeak – kicking his boots off and taking out the same baggie he was nursing the whole night. Michael sighed a bit, taking a seat next to him. “The fuck are you so sullen for?” Asked Trevor “You’re such a fucking downer”  
“Thanks T” said Michael  
Trevor licked his lips, the corner of his mouth drawing up into a smirk. He reached into his other pocket and took out a bag almost identical to the one earlier that night. “Jesus T can you not go one night without drugs?” Michael stood up and walked to the window, looking out. The sight of palm trees reaching out to the sky in the distance reminded him they were somewhere new.  
“Don’t act all high and mighty with me! You know you want to-“  
“Do you always have to tell me what I want?” Michael snapped  
Trevor pursed his lips, biting his tongue. Michael sighed, running his hands over his face. He faced Trevor and leaned against the window sill. “You do know what I want though” Michael chuckled darkly.  
“Yeah I know” Trevor said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. It was to him. He knew Michael inside out, even if he did betray him and leave. In all honesty, somewhere deep in Trevor, he knew Michael would fuck him over someday – he just didn’t want to believe that it would really happen. Somehow Michael was predictable but also completely erratic. Michael sighed and walked toward Trevor, holding his hand out. Trevor handed him the packet and he sat on the edge of the bed, pouring the contents onto a piece of paper on the side table, his back to Trevor. For some reason, hearing the tabs of a credit card on the table then Michael’s snorting made Trevor smile. It reminded him of the old days that they would spend drinking, fucking, doing drugs, and driving to faraway places. Trevor couldn’t tell where on the map they were, but somehow all of the places all had special sentimental value to him. When he first made his way from North Yankton to San Andreas, he remembered some of the places they were at. The town had changed but he could tell which bars they frequented, the motels they stayed at. The entire town was coated in a layer of love. It wasn’t the stereotypical high school sweetheart love. Coming home from work to your honey, watching TV, playing catch with the kids on weekends – but it was love. They would fall together again and again, tracing each other’s bodies with the care like they did when they consulted the worn out map lying in a box on the back of Trevor’s truck.  
He heard Michael’s weight fall onto the bed as he let out a moan, signalling he had done all the coke and was going somewhere else far away. Sometimes Trevor wished they could meet on those other planes whilst they were both high. He climbed over to Michael, planting kisses on his forehead, his jaw, down his neck.  
“T, hey, I’m sorry for leaving the hotel-“  
“Used to it, Michael. You like to slither out whilst I’m sleeping or knocked out”  
“I need to get an upper hand or you’ll just drag me back” Michael laughed, somewhere deep inside of the crevices of his brain  
“What’s so wrong with that?”  
Trevor ran his fingers over Michael’s forehead creases.  
“Trevor.”  
“Michael.”  
“I love you.”  
Trevor choked a little on his own spit, meeting Michael’s eyes. It wasn’t the first time he was hearing it, but somehow it was still very different. The way he enunciated each word, you could almost be fooled into thinking that he was being sincere. Trevor wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked down at the ground. Somewhere, panic welled up in him. Was this going to mean that Michael would leave again soon? Or he would drop the fact that he was staying with Amanda? The thought raced through Trevor’s brain – there was always wishing, hoping, and sometimes praying. But never the actual reality. When he found himself, Trevor had already bounced off of the bed, and was heading for the door – barefoot.  
“Where the fuck do you think you are going?” Michael rolled over, trying to get onto his feet.  
“Come on Mikey” Trevor spun around “It’s either you or me that’s gonna leave and like hell I’m going to be the one left behind again”  
“Trevor – no – I’m not going to leave you” Michael began moving forward toward Trevor, his pupils swallowing him into the blackness. But in all honesty, Trevor wouldn’t mind drowning then and there.  
Trevor laughed, first sarcastically and dramatic, then it became real, his voice bouncing off the walls. Michael furrowed his brow “Hey I’m not lying –“He grabbed Trevor’s wrist. Hard.  
“Oh I didn’t say that – “Trevor tilting his head down, his face now close to Michaels “What I mean is…You’re full of shit”  
“Alright” Michael let go of Trevor’s wrist “I admit. I am full of shit. I know all my faults, T, “  
“Ohhh I don’t think you do”  
“Then what? Tell me”  
Michael stood up now, not quite reaching Trevor’s height, but still standing his ground. They made eye contact “Tell me how shit I am”  
Trevor smirked and licked his lips. He spun Michael around and pushed him so he was bending over the bed.  
“Wait woah-“Michael began, but Trevor leaned over and licked the back of his neck. Michael let out a quiet moan as Trevor kissed and licked the nape of his neck. His hands slithered to the front of Michael’s pants, undoing the belt and button before pulling it down. His hand cupped his semi hard member through his underwear. “Time really hasn’t been kind to you, Mikey” Trevor purred in his ear, his hand moving to Michael’s belt and undoing it. Michael remained quiet, breathing only deepening as Trevor undid his pants and pulled it down. Michael moved his knee onto the bed, helping to hold him up. His fingers spread widely on the bed as he heard Trevor begin taking his own pants off. Trevor’s fingers tangled into Michael’s hair and he pulled his head back, licking his neck. The hot feeling came back, dripping down his entire body. Although it could just as easily be Trevor’s spit considering the intensity he was licking and sucking and biting. “This time I came prepared”  
Michael looked back over his shoulder and saw Trevor holding a bottle of lube – not too sure when or how he got it. As he prepared himself, Michael looked back down at his hands, sinking into the bed like quick sand. Everything was seeming to dissolve away at his fingertips. He felt anxious and worried – everything he touched turned to shit it seemed. But somehow behind him stood the man who never left his side even though he left his. This time, the drugs seemed weird. The felt the nerves in his body throb – not from pain – but something foreign. Every single touch of Trevor’s electrified him to the core. It beat throughout his brain. As Trevor Pushed Michael lower and eased himself in, letting out a long soft moan, Michael felt it right down to the tips of his fingers and his toes. His toes curled inside of his socks and every hair on the back of his neck tried wiggling out of him. He was moaning too. It had been a long time since Trevor was inside of him – and he realised how he missed the feeling. He felt beads of sweat forming on his temples with each rough thrust. Trevor didn’t seem to care too much for the state of Michael’s ass. All these years apart entitled him to ravage him, sliding himself deep inside spaces of Michael that he was ashamed about. Eventually Michael sank lower, his elbows now resting on the bed whilst his ass was being pulled high up by Trevor’s hands. Michael’s heart was racing, the cocaine pumping throughout his body in rapid speeds he had never felt before. It wasn’t so much in his head anymore.  
“T stop” Michael said suddenly, inhaling sharply. Trevor stopped and pulled out, scowling a little. “What the fuck now?” He asked as Michael sat down, pants still around his ankles. His hand was resting on his chest. Trevor could see Michael was inhaling shallowly and quickly. “Michael-“Trevor did up his pants, moving forward. Michael gasped in pain and doubled over, his head between his legs. Trevor jumped, flinging himself onto the bed and his hand on Michael’s back “what the fuck is going on?!”  
“Ah – I think I’m having a heart attack” Michael managed to grunt out.  
It took Trevor a moment to process what Michael had just said. Somewhere in the distance a coyote howled. Trevor didn’t noticed that it had already become night-time. He swallowed a hard lump, everything seeming to turn into rotting organs and pus around him. The room was dark, and he could barely see Michael’s outline in the moonlight. Michael’s breathing became laboured and he grunted in pain “Trevor-“Michael began “I, uh, think I need to go to the hospital…”  
Trevor jumped to his feet, pulling Michael onto his feet and pulling his pants up, then grabbing Michael behind the back of his knees and throwing him over his shoulder. “The-The hospital is right up the road-!” Trevor began running, full of unknown energy, out the door. Michael bobbed up and down on Trevor’s shoulder as he began out the door and down the stairs. The receptionist stared in horror at the two men in their underwear, the one slung over the others shoulder. The hospital was two blocks away but Trevor would have run a hundred if he had to.


	4. NOTICE

Hi everyone! 

I just wanted to post a notice about this work - I will be finishing it soon! (within the next month)  
Sorry for the hiatus - have been busy at law school and got an internship so I need to not write smut but case summaries *groans*  
I've also just mostly been writing my next fic which is a trikey high school au and it's planned like a book with storyboard images/playlist and everything (ahahahhaah)

So I will be back soon (I promise) fam ...


	5. They're still sinking in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this has been taking a million years to upload and it's really short T_T obvs not the end yet... I have 8 tests in April so I'm gonna be scarce but you best believe I'm already writing a teenage Trikey AU fic.  
> I hope the format is a little better this chapter! Thanks for the incredibly nice comments and kudos <3

The only thing that Michael heard was beeps. Steady ones. His hand ached, but the rest of his body didn’t exist. The last thing he remembered was being escorted into the hospital, with Trevor yelling behind him and being escorted out of the hospital. He stretched his fingers and opened his eyes. The roof was stained, with big squares of cement above him with little perforated holes in it. He looked around the small room.

There was a chair in the corner, a table at the end of his bed that had a thick file on it, and next to him stood an IV, an ECG, and a small side table with a glass of water on it. “Ah shit…” he murmured as he tried to sit up, but found he couldn’t. He breathed deeply but it seemed to hurt. Outside it must’ve been the afternoon, it was still light out.

The door quietly slid open and a nurse poked her head inside. “Oh Mr. De Santa, you’re awake” she moved over to the table and opened the file, looking at the machine and then writing something down. “What, what happened?” asked Michael ‘’You were admitted for a heart attack…” she flipped a few pages back “but they had to perform emergency open heart surgery” Michael was taken aback.

Honestly he thought it was the cocaine or something. Maybe having an overdose. “Did anyone come to see me?” he asked. The nurse looked like she remembered something important and hurried outside. A few seconds later Michael heard loud footsteps running, and after a moment he saw Trevor skid through the door, his hand slamming into the wall and as he pulled himself in.

“Michael!” “Jesus T you look more shit than usual” Trevor definitely looked more disshelved than usual, his clothes completely wrinkled, his stubble thicker than usual too. “so do you sugar tits” he smiled. Michael chuckled a bit. “I fucking knew this day would come” “You fed me drugs!” Trevor scoffed and dragged the chair to the side of Michaels bed, sitting down on it.

“You did them by yourself sweetheart. And it’s not the drugs,” Trevor beat his chest “I’m constantly on crank and I’m not the one lying there. It’s all your smoking and liquor!” Michael waved his hand and looked down. He was wearing a blue hospital gown. “Jimmy and Tracey were here earlier” Trevor said “But I told them I’ll tell them when you wake up” “Hey Michael,” Trevor said suddenly after a brief silence. He looked uncomfortable, shifting in his seat “I don’t … sometimes I wonder if you wanted, if you planned for me to get shot that day.” Michael cleared his throat and ran his hand over his mouth.

“Huh, what made you think that?”

“I keep replaying it in my mind, Brad walked in front of me and if he didn’t then-“ He chewed the inside of his cheek “and I know we weren’t on the best of terms”

“T-“

“I thought you were gonna die and I just – I had so many questions –“

“Hey Trev –“

“But then again, does it really matter?”

“I did – it was meant for you.”

Trevor froze, lifting his eyes to meet Michaels

“What do you mean?”

“T, I made a lot of bad choices, and I haven’t been honest,”

“Are you ever fucking honest though?”

“I just – this is really something” Michael chuckled Trevor remained quiet however, this eyes fixed on Michael. In all honesty it made him a little nervous, Trevor’s gaze fixed so firmly upon him. Michael played with the ring still on his finger when it finally occurred to him – he wasn’t gonna be married anymore. Slowly he wriggled the ring off, placing on the side table. Trevor’s eyes followed his hand then remained on the ring sitting on the table. When Michael looked at him, there was something in his eyes that he didn’t recognise – maybe something he had seen years ago. His brows scrunched up together and he bit his bottom lip, which was slightly trembling.

“Ah. Yeah…” Michael looked at his hands again then back at Trevor.

“Yeah…I uh, I guess I forgot to really talk to you about it but” Trevor’s eyes slid over to Michaels and caught him. “I’m leaving Amanda” he said finally and Trevor remained silent.

There seemed to be no expression on his face. The thing that he wanted the most was finally happening and he didn’t really know what to say – it’s like when a kid gets something they prayed for and that split second when they first catch a glimpse of it under the Christmas tree. He scoffed a bit, in disbelief.

“What?” Michael asked, smiling slightly.

He hadn’t seen Trevor so shocked – in a pleasant way.

“Mikey…” Trevor began.

Finally an unrestricted smile crept onto his face, his smile lines deepening and his wrinkles becoming small little divets in various places all over his face.

“Took you a fucking while” he laughed

“Good thing she left you too”

“What?”

“Yeah, when I was at your house I had a talk with her and-“

“What? When were you at my house?” Michael furrowed his brow.

Trevor looked a little taken aback – why was Michael sounding angry about this?

“Michael –“

“No, T –“

“Shit just happened and I was looking for you and Amanda was at home and we had a talk”

“And she is still alive?”

Trevor shook his head “No, I need to –We need to talk about why me instead of Brad”

Michael licked his lips and coughed uncomfortably. Trevor was looking at his hands. The smile suddenly evaporated into nothing that he couldn’t see anywhere in the room.

“I just kind of wanted to know why”

This was something that he was scared Trevor would ask since he came back into his life a few months ago. Trevor of course had the balls to ask him, and he knows the answer, but Michael still felt uncomfortable.

“Ah, Trevor…”

Michael half expected Trevor to interrupt him, calling him a snake and telling him to go fuck himself, but he remained quiet. His brown eyes resting on Michaels clasped hands.

“Amanda – my family,”

Again, nothing from Trevor. Being put in a spot like this was one he never foresaw – or ever wanted to. Since the day Trevor marched into his house he was trying to avoid this conversation. Should he just place blame on himself and have Trevor call him a snake and be over it?

“Trevor, I was scared I guess”

Michael felt himself go a little red. He always kept some kind of distance, even with his therapist he would give roundabout answers.

“I always had this plan you know? Be a robber, get a fuckton of money and fuck around for the rest of my life. Then I met you and I was like okay, whatever, I’ll fuck around with him I guess. It’s good to have a partner when you’re taking scores. Then Amanda got pregnant and I thought, okay well, a part of me always wanted that life – picket fence, kids, wife to come home to. I would just go with it. But, fuck, I couldn’t have that while you were around … I’d always want you,”

Trevor bit his bottom lip, his heart jumping around like 5000 ugly toads in the pit of his belly.

“I’d always then find myself after fucking you. It was okay fucking hookers…I never loved them. They got my dick wet and that was it but, even when I saw you, I was cheating on Aman.”

Everything was so cringy. Michael was not the type to say sappy shit like this – sure he loved those cheesy lines from movies but they weren’t his feelings. He never told anyone this – not even himself.

“Leaving you was the only chance I had. It drove me crazy T you don’t understand. I wanted to be faithful. I wanted to believe in that American dream. But even if you existed somewhere, I’d never be able to grab that opportunity-”

“Michael, I’m not mad that you wanted me dead…” Trevor finally said something and Michael was grateful. He was growing tired of his own voice for once.

“You just disappeared. You were gone. You took up all of my thoughts, I would go fucking crazy –"  Trevor clenched his fists “just thinking about you and…and…” he gritted his teeth “When I found out you were alive, fuck, I tried so hard to not think about you. It took me so fucking long to go at least one day without you creeping up in my head. And to find you shacking up with your wife and kids pretending I don’t exist.”

Trevor shook his head. Tears began to whell up as his mind went to his mother.

“You could- you didn’t need me. Nobody needs me.”

“I just didn’t want to need you,” Michael chuckled darkly “but I guess I did. I still do”

Trevor looked up, meeting Michael’s eyes. He smiled. They both did.

“I guess I will forgive you for trying to have me killed because you want to fuck me so much” Michael scoffed at him, half grinning.

Trevor stood up and leaned over, pressing his lips softly to the corner of Michael’s mouth. Michael’s eyes fluttered shut as he leaned into it. It was so sincere it sunk into his pores, worming its way into his veins.

“I’ll _tell_ them to discharge you,” Trevor said, or more threatened the nurses without them even knowing yet “Uncle T will take care you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lduP2H9lrEM


End file.
